Random Esquire

Boss is still asleep in bed. I’m on the couch, reclined with my laptop and Little Filthy is on his back next to me, in the same position as me, head on my shoulder, eyes rolled back and paws twitching. He is a handful. Yesterday, Boss looked down at him at her feet and said, “Ohhhh, I wish we were divorced so I only had part-time custody of you.” I blinked. She looked up at me and saw my face and said, “Ohhh, was that mean?!” I laughed and said, “YES. To both of us.” This is a perfect example of Boss-Speak.

Boss isn’t trying to be mean, it’s just that she’s unintentionally horrible.

For instance, upon hearing that someone received a large inheritance, she might say, “I wish your parents got staph infections.”

Or upon reading about the increased wages for special education teachers, she might say, “Ugh, I wish my kids were all retarded.”

Back to the above situation. Let’s break this down. Notice how, after she says this horrible thing, she does not instantly, upon hearing the words escape her mouth, realize exactly what she has just said and commence with the back-tracking. It does not dawn on her that she has just said something completely crazy. When she sees my face, she realizes that something is wrong but does not entirely know what that something is. She does not immediately apologize but at least has the good sense to realize that what she’s said was probably not good.

What she meant in the above situation was, “I wish my mom lived in town and could watch him when we travel.” I know we’re speaking the same language but I translate a lot of what comes out of her mouth.

Because I know that her mind works this way, I know not to take it personally or seriously - but she could really mess up a lesser person.