Random Esquire

1. . I shopped after work on Monday. Boss was on the bed relaxing and I tossed an All-Clad grill pan on the bed and said, “Look what I got your mother!” She looked at it and said, “Ohh…um.” Her mother had specifically asked for an All-Clad 4-Quart saucepan. I could tell Boss did not know what to say. I said, “Do you think she’ll like it?” She looked at me. I said, “It came free with her set.” And I pulled in the big box, showing her the All-Clad set. Boss was happy. We’re excited for her mother to open it.

2. Somehow, I found my way to www.quakekare.com. That, combined with watching too much Man Vs. Wild has me convinced we need emergency kits for our home and car. Boss spent a fair portion of last night reminding me that I really don’t need to be able to start a fire using just my keychain. We watched an episode today in which the guy (named: Bear) actually threw a stick at a rabbit and killed it. That was after he had bit the head off a small snake and ate the body while it wriggled around, disappearing into his mouth like a noodle. It left me slackjawed.

Little Filthy enjoys rawhides. An unfortunate after-effect of this is that rawhides do not digest fully and he sometimes suffers from a …a hanging chad, so to speak. The other day, he went about his business, assumed his leap-frog position, and pooped. Good dog. I went to dispose of said poop and noted that nothing was there. Where there should have been a little stinker, there was none. I straightened and looked over at Little Filthy who was bent around, examining his backside where he had seemingly sprouted a second tail. I am not an engineer so I can’t explain the mechanics of this except to say that I believe rawhide was involved. I groaned and started my way toward him. At that point, Little Filthy decided to chase this second tail. He whirled around, thereby releasing said poop, at which point it flew out of his butt and hit me. Where isn’t important.This morning, had you seen Little Filthy, you might have confiscated him from this household for the amount of flea dirt seemingly covering his body. Here is how it happened. I woke up early and went into the kitchen. Little Filthy had his Fat Cat Crackle Bunny in his mouth and he pushed it against my calves as I stood at the counter, preparing coffee. This is part of his morning ritual. He grabs a toy, makes a lot of growling noises and bangs it against our legs. I opened the (full) container of coffee grounds and somehow snagged the scoop with a finger and sent it flying. I was not fully awake so it took me a moment to realize that 1) the scoop was not on the counter and 2) Little Filthy was no longer banging his toy against me. I turned and looked down at him and he looked like a coal miner. His face and back were covered with coffee grounds. He spit out his Bunny and looked at me. I couldn’t believe it. It looked like a million fleas had used him. Boss was asleep and I quickly weighed my options: 1) Vacuum him, which would wake Boss, 2) Dunk him in the bath tub like a tea bag, or 3) pretend he’s a chinchilla and that this is how we bathe him.

I opted for 3. He smells pretty good still.

Boss and I are going to be celebrating our anniversary in about six weeks. It’s interesting, this relationship. I don’t think I knew hard work until I met Boss. I did not know what it meant to be naked or bare. And gentle. Or to even care about those things. It’s interesting that the smallest thing can remind me of the value of those things and it scares me to think that I am ever to a point where I can be reminded. Has there ever been anything so diligent in my life as this love?

It scares me sometimes to watch her go from room to room and know that what I feel is so closely tied to something…tangible that moves. What could be more daring, more chaotic and frenzied than this? And so lovely?

It makes me whisper thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yesterday, I taught a 6th grade class as part of a volunteer project with Junior Achievement. I taught them about international trading. It went very smoothly…mainly because I used mini-candybars and had them trade them. It was certainly more smooth than the first time I volunteered and worked with 4th graders. On that particular visit, I tried to explain to the students what I do for a living. I negotiate and draft agreements. I told them, “I write down promises and make sure people keep those promises.” One boy asked me, “Who do you make promises with?” I said, “Who?” He said, “Yes…do you make promises with men or with women?” I said, “I make them with both.” He said, “But who do you make promises with MORE? Men or women?” I shrugged and said, “I don’t know…Women.”

He said, “I knew it! I knew it; men never keep their promises! My daddy never keeps his promises!”

I don’t know what I said because I think I blanked out after that.

Meanwhile, Boss spent a day earlier this week helping a little boy blow his nose over and over and over again. I think I’ll make Fresh Express do that for me tomorrow. Then she can brush my teeth after lunch.

I’ve been working hard and late and not sleeping well lately and the result is that I feel a little less AWESOME than usual. I have had a twitch under my right eye for about the last 3-4 weeks. It went away over Thanksgiving when Boss and I were with her family. Got home, twitch came back.

But I am going to go to bed early today and I am going to wake up AWESOME. And twitch free.

Awwwww, yeah.