Random Esquire

Some of you may recall this journal entry in which I said:

“Speaking of Boss, the other day, we were in the grocery store buying apples. Actually, we were buying many different things because we have bulk buying issues. However, at this point, we were in front of the apples. There were quite a few varieties to choose from. She said she likes softer apples. I said I like crisp apples. She said she doesn’t like it when a big piece breaks off when she takes a bite. I said I love it! And we stood there and stared at each other as if we’d never met. No one thinks to ask these important questions until it’s too late and you fall in love and then you’re stuck buying two different kinds of apples for eternity.”

I thought of it today when I got out a jar of peanut butter. My jar of peanut butter, actually. We have two. This is because I like crunchy peanut butter and Boss likes creamy.

What I find particularly interesting about this is that I have a personality association with people who prefer creamy or crunchy peanut butter. Am I alone here or does anyone else?

It was rainy and a little chilly today. The walk to work was dark and damp. I liked it. I left my office building and walked across the street to a little underground food mart where I picked up a block of feta cheese. Came home and put together a fresh salad and by the time Boss got home, matzo ball soup was finished. We ate big bowls of salad and soup and then Boss said, “That was great! I’m hungry.”

We have two routines in this house. One is for when I am the working stiff and Boss gets to sleep in. This is known as “summer”. Then there is the routine in which Boss also wakes for work. This is known as “war”. No, no, not really. There are plusses and minuses to each routine. I like the summer because the bathroom is never overly steamy and I like knowing that Boss can sleep in and relax. But I dislike navigating the bedroom in the dark and not turning on the news loud enough for me to hear in the shower. I like when Boss works because then I can turn on the bedroom light and the Today show. I shower with the shower curtain half open and peek at her while she puts on makeup. This means the bathroom door is open and that means Little Filthy is in the bathroom staring at me in the shower. He stares until I cup my hands to let them fill with water and then lean down so he can drink warm shower water. I don’t get it either. But he loves it. The bad thing about this routine is that Little Filthy misses her and I don’t come home to a hot meal, ready and waiting. OH HO HO. I just made myself laugh. Boss doesn’t cook. But I do like coming home to her.

I have my morning routine so perfected that upon waking, I don’t have to look at the clock until I leave for work. It’s beautiful.

Five things I love today (other than Boss and Little Filthy):

1. Square bagel bread.
2. My contract specialist who saves my hide on a daily basis
3. Moleskine notebooks
4. Finding new ways to pack lunch for Boss
5. Amazon.com.

1. This morning, on the Today Show, two attorneys who had met with John Mark Karr were interviewed. One of them said that John Karr had been unfairly portrayed in the media. Am I missing something here? Is there a way to put a positive spin on this guy?

2. This website describes taking a ball of mud and shaping it into a shiny, perfect sphere. I do not want to try making one. Right?

3. We ate Vietnamese food tonight in Chinatown. We ate at a little place called The Noodle. We ate there once before, when we had just started seeing each other. Then, we sat at a little table by candlelight and were awaken from our moon eyed gazing by a little girl at the next table who pointed to us and exclaimed to her mother, “They’re staring at each other! Why are they staring at each other?”

4. Driving past Polk Street made me think of the song Polk (Poke?) Salad Annie. I don’t really know the song, I just remember the title. What the hell is polk salad?

5. I have been contemplating taking the Patent Bar. I think I may just be craving intense study or a new challenge. I may pick up Rosetta Stone software and try my hand at a new language.

1. I made ravioli for myself for dinner last night. I shredded some parmesan over the top and sat down to eat. I ate a few and then glanced down at my plate and noticed something odd: a spot of red. I looked at my hand and it seems I had grated a knuckle and it was bleeding. And…I think I may have eaten a piece of my own finger.

2. I’m not sure about this Jon Benet dude. I suspect he may be fibbing and being very specific about claiming 2nd degree murder to avoid the dealth penalty so he can enjoy the attention for life.

3. Boss’s kindergarten class begins TODAY. Tons of squirming, giggling, wriggling kids. She’s going to be sleepy for the next 9 months. And not because she’s pregnant.

You should never refer to any of your bride’s body parts as her “Staples Easy Button.”

Never.

1. My best buddy from high school was in town this weekend to run a 1/2 IronMan. I had not seen him in a few years. We met him out for brunch on Sunday and had a good time talking about the Peace Corp, teaching, old times and good times. He told us a story about being in Moldova (when he was in the Peace Corp and how he ate boiled beans and potatoes every night for weeks on end and how volunteers asked for spices to be sent from relatives back in the states. He said that on a special occasion, one of the families had a barbeque and he had meat. He said that he noticed a plastic bottle of something that people were putting on their meat at the barbeque and so he eached for it to put on his food. As he tipped it to put some on his food, one of the locals stopped him and said, “Don’t put too much on…that’s very, very spicy. Put only a very little.” He put a dab on his food and tasted it. It was ketchup.

2. And now, it is with great shame that I must admit that I am watching Flavor Flav’s show. In the first show, two girls have a fist fight. One girl then kneels to pray and says, “Please forgive me for beating this bitch ass today, Lord…” The other girl says, “Is that really necessary?” To which the prayer responds with, “Girl, you better quit interrupting my prayers before God directs me to whup your ass.” And…the rumor is (we’re only about 30 minutes into it right now) that one girl poops on the floor. You know, you couldn’t hire people to act that stupid. Plus…there’s a white girl who thinks she is black. She seriously believes she is black. I can’t wait until a real black girl beats the black off her.

Today is Boss’s half birthday. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I am exactly that trained. Here’s how it happened. We met each other just days prior to her birthday. Because I had not even had a second date by then, I decided that her half birthday was the perfect excuse to buy her something. That reminds me of something else I did early in our relationship.

I gave Boss a card and she opened it and her face turned to stone. It was a very sweet card so I did not understand her reaction. She looked up at me, lips pursed, and said, “Do you recognize this card? Have you ever given this to someone else?” I was stunned and swore that I had not. Well, I was lying because I had given her the same card about a month earlier. Oops. (I should clarify that she wasn’t really angry, just giving me a hard time.)

So, to celebrate her half birthday, I bought her a new mobile phone. When I got home from work, she announced that she was craving spaghetti and meatballs. This is highly unusual becaus Boss does not eat meatballs. Quick trip to the store for some fresh bread, pasta, meatballs, ice cream and cake before making it inside minutes before the heavens opened. We ate and watched the rain.

I think it is time for ice cream.

Boss and I are sitting on the couch. I looked over at her and thought, “She’s pretty.” So I said, “Honey…You’re pretty.”

She didn’t even look up. She said, “What are you doing?”

I said, “Nothing…I just looked over there and thought you looked pretty.”

She said, “Retarded.”

She’s the most unintentionally funny person I’ve ever met. I love that.