Random Esquire

1. Boss got a new haircut last weekend. It almost looks like she got a new head. I hardly recognize her. This prompted me to yell, “stranger danger!” whenever I saw her. That got old fast. For Boss.

2. I want more space. Little Filthy is getting older and wants some privacy. This means more bedrooms. He’d also like a backyard for himself as opposed to the strips of grass alongside the sidewalks. A full bath as opposed to the half he has now.

3. Boss’s mother has a boyfriend. What’s that make him…well, I guess my mother-in-law’s boyfriend. I was hoping for something more clever but I do what I can. His nickname is Chicken Shawarma. This is because before I met him, Boss and her mother were both playfully mocking how excited he gets when he makes chicken shawarma by saying over and over, in a nasal tone, “Chicken shawarma! Chicken shawarma!” I won’t bother to tell you how this influences one’s first impressions of a person. Anyway, one day last week, I did something reminiscent of him and Boss said, “Oh my god, I’m dating Chicken Shawarma!” I said, “I’m not like Chicken Shawarma!” To which she replied, “No,…you’re not. Chicken Shawarma is nicer.” I said, “Agree. But I am funnier.” I took her silence as agreement.