Random Esquire

1. Did you see the African American family on the Amazing Race? Their last name was Black. The show called them “The Black Family.” This tickled me.

Now, on the show Treasure Hunters, there is another African American family. They are “The Brown Family.”

I secretly wish they were Hispanic.

2. I told my sister about seeing the white tiger. She said, “I would have called Animal Control. I would have gotten their license plate.”

I said, “I would have died.”

Look, people who deal drugs sometimes kill people. They don’t scare me. These people deal TIGER. You can’t even do that recreationally. You’re pretty much committed if you’re doing TIGER. No one just does TIGER on the weekends.

3. Fresh Express walked around with toothpaste drool on her chin today. And all day, it looked like a bullseye to me.

4. I volunteered to negotiate a contract today for another attorney who is swamped. I got the contract. It is 81 pages. I groaned like someone throat punched me.

You have to be careful what you wish for.

Because when Britney Spears was at the height of sexy, I said, “My God, I hope she goes downhill quickly enough that she’s forced to pose in Playboy before she gets too old.”

Yeah.

Not so much.

I’ve put in 20+ hours in the last two days on the same negotiation and still, the other party threatens to walk away. Just once, I would like to say, “Sit your ass down.” But, of course, I can’t. The sales team manager would drop her blob. He’s giving our team blue balls. And each time he throws a fit about something, one of my team members goes and shakes a rattle at him until he smiles. Also known as “talking him down from the ledge.” This is why I could not be a sales person. I told Churro that my sales team will just keep giving this customer a blow job until he finally just pushes them away and says it just isn’t working for him and this just isn’t going to happen. All that excitement for nothing.

Sales people think attorneys just get in the way of business and closing deals. The sales team starts foreplay with the Customer and they are just about to seal the deal when I wedge myself in between the two of them and say, “HEY, how about a condom? I mean, I know you both talked it out and trust each other…but, you know…just in case.”

A little protection.

I know it doesn’t feel as good for either of you but you’re both fully protected.

I kill the mood.

I’m an attorney. It’s what I do.

The stupidest girl I ever dated was COLLEGE. Thus named because she was as dumb as John Belushi in Animal House and because she lied to me about having gone to college.

COLLEGE once said to me that she felt badly for Albert Einstein because imagine the pressure he must have had growing up to be intelligent. I looked at her blankly and she said, “You know…with that name…”

One day, I was constructing our bed frame and grabbed a socket wrench from the makeshift tool box we used which was leftover from her previous apartment life. I asked COLLEGE to find the right socket. She said, “I don’t have any sockets.” I said, “What? You must. You have a socket wrench.” She said, ‘No, when Kimmy and I moved out, we split up the tools.” I looked at her. “So…you got the socket wrench and…..she got the sockets?” She nodded.

It didn’t last very long.