Random Esquire

I had to tear Lilthy Filthy away from the television when Katharine McPhee came out.

With her snacktray.

With her great big snacktray. Full of snacks. On the tray.

Her snack-ah. Traaay-ah.

Ayup.

Edited to add: Is Clay Aiken a lesbian?

1. Instigator’s daughter has learned the art of one-click shopping online and so Instigator’s iPod library had many new additions one day. Her daughter also enjoys kissing the boy down th street and discussing how babies are made. The problem is that she is four years old. She’s 4, going on 17. I asked Instigator today if she was a grandmother yet. She was not amused.2. Fresh Express wore a very big t-shirt today. That’s it. I think it was a dress but the jury is out.

3. Boss had a little kid tell her that “Mister Moon wants to kill my mommy. The police shot her but she’s not dead.”

Little Filthy got out the front door and raced down the hall to say hello to Boss when she got home from class and work. He turned around and came racing back toward me at top speed, skidded to a halt and into my arms. We came inside the condo and I noticed that he kept lifting his paws to lick at something. I leaned over and saw red. When he skidded to a halt in the hall, the little pads on his forelegs skinned right off from the carpet and had peeled back. He never even whimpered. I scooped him up into my arms and we went into the bathroom for some quick cleaning and antiseptic and bandaids. Little Filthy sat in my lap with his front legs sticking out while Boss doctored him up. I felt like my toddler just skinned his knees.

LIKE HE SKINNED HIS KNEES CLEAN OFF.

This little guy is going to be the death of me. Little buddy.

leave me alone, attorney. go be busy and let me be sleepybeepy right here.

I have been reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, a book narrated by a fifteen year old boy with autism. I knew nothing about autism until I read this book. He refuses to eat anything yellow or brown, relaxes by moaning, takes everything at face value, etc.

So, I thought about it and I do not think there is any way to deny that Little Filthy must be autistic. Let me walk you through it.

First, he only eats brown things. Morning meal: brown kibble. Evening meal: brown kibble. In-between-snacking: Poo. He cries when he is upset and does not even try to hide it. He is unable to filter out joggers while walking, even when mid-leap-frog. (That is how we refer to what he is doing when he assumes the position, so to speak. He “plays leapfrog.” You get the picture. When he is lifts his leg, I refer to it as “spraying for weeds.”) He is unfailingly sincere.

I’m raising an autistic fecalphiliac with prader-willi.

I got his school pictures back today. He combed down his hair like we reminded him but forgot that his harness was showing.