Random Esquire

1. I will not be drinking coffee ever again from our office kitchen. This is because Shim reported that Fresh Express washed her socks in a coffee pot. Did you hear me? She washed her socks in a coffee pot. He told me this and I said, “Like…put her socks in a coffee pot, added soap and hot water and swished it?” I made a circling motion with my hand. He nodded. This is not difficult to believe because Fresh Express often wears more than one layer of clothing and at any given time, it might be hanging over a vent or chair, drying. Drying from what, I don’t know. Just…drying. That’s crazy, right? You don’t need a DSM-IV for that. You can just start writing prescriptions.

2. The woman who had a face transplant. Bully for her, I thought. Then I heard what brought about this need. Apparently, she took sleeping pills, fell asleep and when she awoke, tried to smoke a cigarette. Upon realizing that the cigarette wouldn’t stay in her mouth - because she had no lips - she went to look in the mirror and that is when she realized that her dog, a labrador, had chewed off her face. A labrador? Not a pit bull? A labrador? Let me get this straight. This woman took so many sleeping pills that she could not feel a dog mauling her face. And her first thought upon waking was for a cigarette. And upon failing to smoke successfully, she questioned what was wrong. That, and the blood all over her. I have personally concluded that she was hiding tennis balls in her cheeks because I can think of no other reason a labrador would do this.

3. Kirsten Dunst is not attractive.

4. Boss is gone. She has class on Monday nights. She gets home around 10 on Mondays. I hate Mondays.