Random Esquire

I thought my skull might split and my brain swell out the opening today. Remember when I got the TiVo system and requested a new satellite receiver? No satellite receiver yet - despite my phone calls every few days. I have been unerringly polite but tonight I cracked while on the phone with an older gentleman, the same person I’ve spoken with many times before. He gave me a ten minute explanation of why they had not been able to send someone out with a receiver. I said, “With all due respect, I don’t care. That you didn’t call me is unacceptable. I do not want to hear anything else unless it has to do with when I will get a receiver and if that will happen BEFORE THE WORLD SERIES IS OVER.”

Fresh Express came by my office today with her contact lens case in a Sargento cheese bag. I nodded toward the bag and said, “Cleaning your contact lens?” Lens. Singular. She said no. She was going to brush her teeth. She fills her lens case with toothpaste and dips her toothbrush inside. I was so taken aback. I said, “Oh…I…I just ..have a tube.”

I cleaned the place this weekend. And when Boss came home, she came home to a ribeye steak, steamed asparagus, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and steamed carrots. She has a slight cold. So when she came home tonight, I had made chicken soup for her.

And then I realized…I’m Bree Van De Kamp.

I don’t know how Little Filthy manages to be do adorable to everyone with those hairy moles on his face. He’s untouchable!