Random Esquire

I believe I am crabby. I blame this. It is an entry with a recipe in which the first instruction is: Casually dice 4 cloves of garlic. How does one dice garlic casually? I suppose, from my comment to the entry, it is evident that I was crabby prior to the casual dicing comment. Of course, the “throw in some very strong red wine” had pushed me over the edge.

I hope this does not carry over into tomorrow because I’ve already received e-mails that require my response and I really do not need to respond with something less than professional. Like, “Why are you so stupid, stupid?”

I have been entertaining the idea of using my (soon to be) old Sonicare toothbrush head on Little Filthy. I do not want to tell Boss but I think I have to. I don’t want to tell Boss because she will think I am crazy. I have to because I am rather sure Little Filthy won’t be my dental patient willingly. He yawned earlier today and I was treated to a view that left me reminding myself that his lack of lip control really prevents the possibility of a mouth rinse.

Because Boss was out of town this weekend, I: a) went to Costco and almost lost my mind, b) let Little Filthy nap on the bed next to me, c) worked four hours on Saturday, d) played with my Treo 650, old friend, and e) played piano.

Shower just stopped. I smell soap. And lotion. And girl. Less crabby.

Boss’s day: “I’m crazy! ‘Cause I eat too much candy!”

My day: “We’re out of coffee filters.”

Hmmmm. Yes, her days are often more interesting.

Little Filthy is wearing me out. I interrupted his morning tryst with a box of paperclips and just about came unglued. I had a come to Jesus moment, as my grandmother might say. Well, honestly, not my grandmother. My grandmother does not speak English. But someone’s grandmother, I am sure.

I called the vet and suffice to say that all is well now and no surgery was required. It occurred to me while speaking with Dr. Dog that it is no comfort to hear, “He’ll just pass it” because Little Filthy indulges in his own creations to fulfill his in-between-meal snacking needs. At best, either Boss or I will be right there to grab it, so to speak. At worse, the object will get caught in an endless loop of input and output.

We can not possibly have the only dog who eats everything like he is a great white. There’s probably a license plate and some tin cans in Little Filthy’s stomach. But even sharks have the good sense not to eat their own feces.

Please tell me we aren’t the only ones. What has your pug eaten?

I’m over Dakota Fanning. I am not sure if I have ever been anything but over Dakota Fanning but it seems more pronounced lately. One can only take so much toothy innocence.

We run the dishwasher almost every night. It’s running right now. We went out to dinner. How do we use so many dishes?? I must use cups like kleenex.

Just then, I thought, “What if there were cups that were disposable like that – where they just popped up out of a box and you pitched them after using them??” Yeeeesssss, very good, Random. Those are called Dixie Cups.

Fresh Express has two differently colored eyes. One is slightly more green than the other. I have noticed this for some time now, mainly because she stands uncomfortably close when speaking. I suppose it was rather foolish of me not to realize that it was anything other than the result of an intentional act on her part. Today, we discussed contact lenses and she told me that she wears only one. Upon my inquiry, she confirmed that yes, it is tinted. She wears one tinted contact lens. The logic escapes me. Her eye doctor should have had the good sense to say, “You only need one contact lens…I don’t think tinted is the way to go.”

Little Filthy inhales his food like a asthmatic sucks on an inhaler. Oddly enough, he inhales his food but takes time to enjoy his poo by chewing thoroughly. That was an unfortunate tooth brushing discovery.

Someone requested an update on the effectiveness of Deter’s coprophagia treatment for Little Filthy’s fascination with his own …creations.

See the picture of him biting Boss’s finger? Pretend her finger is a poo – then it’s like you saw Little Filthy yourself just today.

The reason Deter does not work on Little Filthy is because Little Filthy does not have Coprophagia. Little Filthy has Prader-Willi Syndrome. Prader-Willli… when you can’t stop eating because you never feel full. That’s my dog. About 30 minutes ago, Boss called out to me and said that she needed help with something. I walked out into the hall and she had Little Filthy’s back end up in the air. She said, “Hold him up.” So I did. And she lifted his tail and pulled out chewing gum.

Never a boring minute.