Random Esquire

1. I told a friend today I was going to hell. His response? “Upgrade to first class so we can sit next to each other.”

2. If a girl shows you the massive bug bite on her swollen, red thumb, you should say, “Whoa, that looks painful! Does it hurt?”

You should not say, “Might as well get that cut off now. Spare yourself the agony of watching it rot off.”

That is what you should not do.

3. I had lunch with Instigator today. I paid. You know why? Because she was wearing a skirt and put on lipstick. I’m a simple creature. I believe there will be a party at Instigator’s place in August. Getting invited is like scoring an invite to the Oscars. I asked if there would be a swag bag. She said yes, we’d have to bring one in order to get into the party.

4. I mis-text a lot. Please tell me I’m not alone. I’ll send a text message and then realize I sent it to the completely wrong person. It isn’t entirely my fault. It’s how my phone stores text messages. But…yeah, not so smooth.

5. I had the chance of meeting Ms. Single Mama last night but circumstances prevented it. Circumstances being United Airlines. Which sucks.

1. The less tolerant you are of dishonesty, the more tolerant you must be of human frailty.

2. You better shop around.

3. Spend your money on things that can not be taken away from you - like an education, piano lessons, travel, etc.

4. You can’t hurry love, no, you just have to wait.

5. To receive forgiveness, you must be willing to grant it.

1.  I picked up Little Filthy today.  My mother said, “He’s a terrorist.”  I’m sure she meant that he’s a terror.

Pretty sure, anyway.

2.  There is a new nickname for the young woman I am currently seeing:  Besos.

3.  I’ve realized lately that I am not good at receiving comfort of any kind.  I am working on it.

4.  My sister calls her four month old son “Coo-Coo bean.”  This makes me grin.

5.  I was recently speaking with an attorney from Germany and told her that I was going to blame my future state of alcoholism on the German populace.  She said they would gladly take the credit.  I told her that my favorite German word was schadenfreude.  She admitted it was a good word.

It was pointed out that I do not typically divulge relationship/dating stories to any real degree. Well, here’s a break from that situation.

I will very quickly sum up the situation. Earlier in the week, I began to get relationship jitters because things with a certain young Latina woman seemed to be moving at too quick a clip. I told her how I felt, only hesitant because I suspected that she may not date me, knowing that I am not quite ready for anything like a girlfriend. I have been enjoying my autonomy to a ridiculous degree…running off to Europe and not calling a soul, etc. - and I just don’t quite feel prepared to offer the consideration and thought I’d like to put into a relationship.

Anyway, when I told said young woman, her reaction was ,”Okay! Date away and do what you need to do.” And this caught me off guard and was so appealing to me that now I can’t get her out of my head. I called my work wife and told her about the situation. She said, “You’re in trouble now.” I said, “WHAT? What’re you talking about?” She said, “Now…she’s going to make you work for it.”

And that appealed to me.

I told Churro about the situation and he started to laugh and said, “If dating was a chess game…she just said ‘checkmate‘.”

I know she was being completely sincere and rational and was not playing any game…but, honestly? She’s kind of brilliant. Churro said, “The moment you said it wasn’t exclusive and she was okay with it, you got territorial. We’re like…animals. We like to hunt.” It’s true. I like to chase. It’s sort of ridiculous, really.

Resist the urge to psychoanalyze me.  Please.

The Italian and I have a favorite topic of conversation.  We love women.

As it happens for the first time in our friendship, we’re both seeing women who speak Spanish as a first language.  I told him about my conversation with the very nice young lady I am seeing (documented in my earlier entry) and he told me about the very nice young lady he is seeing - she is Venezuelan.  Get a load of this.

He told her that it would be okay with him if she spoke Spanish in bed.   She, a naturally caring woman, said, “But…then you won’t understand what I’m saying.”  And he responded with, “Yes…but then you won’t have to think about it.”

I stopped him and said, “Let me get this straight.  You somehow told her that you’d like her to speak Spanish so that she didn’t have to think about translating?”

He said, “Yeah!”

“So, she thinks you did her a favor?!”

He said, “Yeah!”

I said, “That’s horrible!”

He said very calmly, “I am a wonderful human being.”

I won’t lie.  He’s kind of my hero right now.

1. Spanish is not my second language. Or my third. Or, really, a fourth. In fact, I’m fairly ignorant when it comes to Spanish. However, I have been seeing a woman whose first language is Spanish and I have steadfastly refused to ask her to speak Spanish to me. You get what I mean, no? I figure this is common and I refuse to do it. The topic has not arisen much but today *cough* we actually discussed it when she asked me if I would care that if she did speak Spanish to me in bed, I would not understand it.I said, “No.”

She said, “NO? Wouldn’t you want to know what I was saying?!”

I said, “It doesn’t matter what you’re saying. In my head, I’m just going to imagine that it’s the filthiest thing I’ve ever heard.”

She said, “WHAT?!”

I responded, “Which, by the way, is what everyone who doesn’t speak Spanish has been doing.”

We’re still seeing each other. I figure we’ve survived a hurdle. Namely, my personality.

2. I am off to D.C. on business this week. I’m often wont to hear advice from Instigator and promptly ignore it, to my own detriment. It has inspired me to refer to a ‘What would Instigator Do’ bracelet. I need one. For instance, despite the fact that I could leave the meetings I am attending at an earlier time, I conservatively chose to leave D.C. at a later time, taking the same flight at the boss. Instigator would not do this. Instigator does not have difficultly deciding if she’d rather fish or cut bait. When I told her when I was leaving, she said, “Are you kidding? Are you crazy? Random, Random, Random - were you not wearing your ‘WWID’ bracelet when you made these plans? *sigh*”

I make Instigator nuts.

3. Lynchseattle and Bev, his wife, are with their kids at Disney World. His Twitter update: “Never has such a variety of Croc-laden people been in such a close proximity. It looks like a clown convention.”

I had an odd sensation this past week.  Very odd.  I had a date last week which went well.  I then discussed said date with my Work Wife.  Work Wife is very excited because both Work Wife and said date are Latinas.  Work Wife said, “Ohhh, you are in trrouubblleee, she is going to blow your mind!”  My first hell and brimstones love was a Puerto Rican girl years and years ago. But yeah, I’m attracted to many of the characteristics that are stereotypically associated with Latin women.   Anyway, suffice to say that I was describing my date to Work Wife and then moved on to describe things I find very attractive in a woman, both physically and in personality, and then it hit me.

I was very perfectly…. describing her.

My Work Wife.

I think I got very quiet and then I said, “I can’t talk to you about this because I think I just describe you!”

We both burst out laughing at the same time.

Yeah.  That’s messed up.

1. Anyone listen to NPR’s Sunday Puzzle with Will Shortz? Yeah. I’m a dork like that. Anyway! Every time I listen, I am distracted by the sound of Will Shortz’s obvious breathing in the phone.  It’s like…the New York Times Crossword Puzzle with a pervert.

2.  I saw my grandparents this past weekend.  I do not know them well.  My grandfather does not speak much and never has.  At dinner, I said to him, “Are you staying out of trouble, grandpa?”  He responded with a small smile, very softly and very slowly, “Oh, I wouldn’t know where to find it.”   I said, “It normally finds me.”  He smiled and said softly, “Then I guess that gives you some options.”

3.   In the past two weeks, two different people have said to me, “I love you…but you’re retarded.”

4.  I asked a certain young woman about her pet peeves and she said instantly, “Not being picked up at the airport.”  Huh.  I hadn’t heard that one before but yes, that is rather annoying.

5.  My quest to compliment a stranger was not working quite so well.  I decided to take a different approach and go with the random acts of kindness.  So today, while in line for a bagel, I decided that I’d pay for the person behind me in line.  When I got up to the counter, I turned behind me and said to a young lady, “I’d like to buy your bagel for you..um, as a random act of kindness sort of thing.”  She said, “Ohhhhh, that’s so nice! Thank you!  Do you do that every day?”

You know, the answer to that question is, “No, this is the first time.”  But that sounds a bit odd.  So instead, I said to her, “Yes.  But not always at the bagel place.  So…you know, don’t start hanging out here hoping to get a free bagel.”  She snorted her laugh at me.

6.   Today, someone said to me, “I’ve only eaten six bananas in my whole life.”  And I honestly wanted to reply, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Which is odd.  Because I don’t usually swear in my blog.

I know what I said here about accents and languages.

I take it back.

I take it all back. 

I was wrong.

Jesus, was I wrong.

1. I wonder what my life would like if I had gone to Juilliard for music. No one asked me. I’m just wondering.

[See comments for clarification on that one, to and from SnarkyRunner]

2. I really have a distaste for watching someone pull on a pair of worn-before socks. Especially if they study the socks for toe-shapes to see if it goes on the left or right foot. Disturbing. Not as disturbing, however, as someone wearing only socks. I really can’t think of a good excuse for that.

3. Boss and I went to a (private) tasting last night. We tried 5 appetizers, 9 entrees and 4 desserts..for just the two of us. It was insane but a good opportunity to try a lot of different things. We had to be rolled out. I admit, it was sort of fun to see people watching and wondering why were had so much food coming out or why I was scribbling notes down the whole time.

4. If you could be fluent in five languages, what would they be?

5. I turned in an expense report about 6 weeks ago. I asked Fresh Express for a status and she looked at me blankly. I then remembered that I was supposed to get a new keyboard a few months ago. You know, I’m not sure what she does other than play in the water fountains all day.