August 30, 2010By: Random Esquire Category: family
1. Hit the Jersey Shore yesterday. I wish there was some way I could have snapped a picture of a couple sitting on the beach. Both in lawn chairs, the woman was all of 90 pounds and 90 years old with a vibrant red head of wig perched atop her noggin and skin the color of an old penny. Her skinny limbs stuck out of her body like lollipop sticks. Not to be outdone was her husband whose prosthetic leg was removed and perched just below his knee while his shortened limb was crossed over his other leg. Basically, he had crossed his legs but left the prosthesis in place so it looked like they weren’t crossed until you paused and realized that his thigh was in fact crossed toward his other leg. They made an interesting picture – not in a comical way – but more in the way that you wanted to know their story. Naturally, I instantly nicknamed them Snookie and the Situation.
2. Today, while my nephew napped, I looked at my niece and said, “What would you like to do?”
She responded ,”MAKE CUPCAKES.”
So we made cupcakes.
3. Second only after cupcakes in enjoyment factor was holding my niece and nephew upside down by their ankles while they laughed hysterically. I’m not sure my sister knows about that, though.
They didn’t barf or anything.
4. My sister was charmed by the Seattle group. She said that they seemed like people “who love experiences.” And I agree.
5. While at dinner tonight, my sister said to her son, “You’re going to school next week; did you know that? You’re going to go to school.” And he said very simply, in his high pitched, tiny boy voice:
Because I have childhood fantasies, people. That’s why.
2. I am leaving for NYC on Saturday morning. Work threatens to explode while I am gone. This displeases me.
3. Instigator’s daughter calmly explained the mechanics of sex to a peer. This cracks me up.
4. Little Filthy will be staying with my parents while I am out of town. I suspect he will celebrate by baking a potato on my mother’s rug, as is his habit. She will be delighted, no doubt.
5. I will be meeting up with the Seattle Crew while in NYC. They will all meet my sister. This should be interesting!
I walked into a gas station and a certain lady of the evening was at the counter, trying to buy… cigars.
I know.
The irony.
She turned to me and said, “Baby, you got change for a fifty?”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out two twenties and two fives.
She handed me a fifty. I shoved it in my pocket.
She said, “Thank you so much, baby. You sweet.”
Then she turned and bought some Swisher Sweets, peeled one open and licked it. Right there in the gas station while the attendant and I stood awkwardly watching.
August 04, 2010By: Random Esquire Category: Little Filthy
On Monday night, I went out to eat. I returned home and promptly snapped my key off in the lock to my front door. I proceeded to try to tug out the snub of key, thereby rattling the doorknob around. This, of course, informed Little Filthy that I was home. However, it also appeared to inform him that while I was home, I was completely uninterested in seeing him or seeing to the needs of his bowels. As I wiggled the key, I heard long, wretched cries from the other side of the door. Actually, as I write this, it threatens to be unbelievably long. Let me just summarize:
Locksmith comes. Proceeds to stick it to me. Drills out the lock. Wants to install another lock. I decline his offer to install a $20 lock for $120. Fuck that. I’ll just kill anyone who walks through the bloody door.
Next day, I wake up to find cherry stems spread around living room. Stupidly, I left cherry pits on the coffee table. Little Filthy attempts to look innocent while I have a Come-To-Jesus-Moment.
Cherry pits = Toxic.
Cherry pits = cyanide.
Website searching, friend asking, dog eyeballing.
Emergency Vet call.
Hydrogen peroxide goes down Little Filthy’s throat, to his complete surprise, disgust, and amazement.
Little Filthy stares. I reach under him and wiggle his belly.
1. I don’t want to ask my client how she’s gone through life thus far without developing any coping skills but I am genuinely curious because I feel like her method could be patented.
2. There is this great misconception with people who equate having the right to do something with it being a right thing to do. Or that having an opinion makes it worth hearing. No, no, people. No, no.
3. I almost made it all the way through Spanish class last night without a single misunderstanding. That is, until the end of class when the teacher said “I will see your balls!”
At least, this is what I heard.
This is partly due to the following reasons:
a) We have not yet learned the days of the week.
b) Thursday, in Spanish, is ‘Jueves’ which sounds like “hway-ves”
c) Eggs, in Spanish, are ‘Huevos’ which sounds like “hway-vos”
d) ‘Huevos’ is slang for testicles/balls.
The rest of it is due to the fact that I’m an idiot and thought that it would be cool to read a book about Spanish slang.
In fact, my teacher was merely saying, “I will see you Thursday.”
1. I have been feeling scattered. Like my energy has dissipated and spread out like fog. Have you ever tried to collect fog?
2. Culo is, in fact, not Spanish for cool.
3. I took the bar exam 10 years ago this week. I still have a t-shirt that says, “Do it once. Do it right. Never do it again.”
4. The Spanish word for ‘pregnant’ is the same as the Spanish word for ‘embarrassed’: Embarazada. I can’t tell if I find that a little funny or a little wrong.
5. Instigator and I went to lunch today. She ate a salad. I ate steak. Figures.
6. Las mujeres buenas van al cielo… las malas a cualquier parte.
Good girls go to heaven… the bad ones wherever they want.
7. I’ve been feeling a bit on edge. On Sunday, when I tried to exit the train, people pressed in toward me, trying to board. This is such idiocy. I surprised myself by yelling, “BACK OFF.”
Fight or Flight?
Fight.
8. English has 6 verb tenses. Spanish has 14.
What. The. Hell.
9. You don’t take something personal. You take it personally. You don’t take something serious. You take it seriously.
10. I have to learn 68 Spanish verbs for class on Thursday.
Besos spoke with her family tonight. Afterwards, she looked at me and said, “That was my grandmother.”
Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.